Watching it All Fall Apart

And here it goes again, the same thing that started three years ago and still has been continuing till now from time to time. 

I thought I healed, I thought I came out of it stronger than before, but little did I know, I was damaged wholly, it was just that I avoided it and I didn't even realize it.

Nothing gets to me like this does. I break down, I break down easily. Tears come, anger bursts out, words lose their way. 

Everything just falls apart. And I feel like - yes, this might be the end. This time, this moment, these people, this things, this scenery. 

And I fear what comes next. I fear the movements, I fear the words, I fear the anger, I fear the pain, I fear the people. And I shatter, my heart breaks down. 

Am I to blame for all this? Did I do anything wrong? Did anyone do anything wrong? I don't have the answers.

Once again anger and pain wins. They take over. And, I feel powerless to stop them. I tried and tried, controlled but I once again let these things overpower me.

It feels like as if I am trying to stop a train with my bare hands.

I feel guilty. I feel like I'm stuck in this never-ending cycle of misery.

I can see the faces, the sadness, the anger, the pain, the guilt, I can hear the noises, I can hear the chaos all around me. 

I can see, feel and hear everything, and then again I felt helpless. 

I've been here before. I remember this feeling, this moment, this pain. I avoided it, but I knew and have known these feeling all along the way. I feel like there's a ton of bricks on my chest.

I can feel everything, yet still I can't feel anything.

Would I be free? Will this end someday? Will this be over? Will just everything fall apart one by one, piece by piece?

And would I be there doing nothing, watching and letting it fall apart? I wonder!

I know I'll get through this someday! But for now, all I can do is cling to hope and try to pick up the pieces. 

Maybe, just maybe, there's light at the end of this dark, suffocating tunnel.