There's a saying that if you do bad things while you're alive, you'll experience hell after you die.
But to me, I didn't need to die to experience hell. And I didn't need to do anything bad to deserve it.
Because, somehow, I've been living in hell my entire life as long as I can remember.
It's hard to explain what it feels like to be tired of life without knowing exactly what you're tired of anymore.
To carry so much inside that even the smallest things feel heavy.
For years, I've tried to understand why things have to be this way.
I've searched for meaning in my pain, convincing myself that maybe there's a lesson I'm supposed to learn.
But what if there isn't one?
What if I'm just tired of enduring things I never asked for?
There are days when I want to run away from everything, to go somewhere far away and finally breathe.
But no matter how hard I try to escape, the heaviness follows me.
It lives in my thoughts, in my silence, in the parts of me that nobody sees.
Sometimes, I wonder what sin I committed to deserve feeling this way for so long.
I'm tired of having to be strong.
Tired of pretending I'm okay. Tired of carrying things I can't even explain.
So I've started detaching myself.
I've learned to stay quiet, to stop explaining, to keep things to myself.
But even then, it hurts.
Because distancing myself doesn't mean I'm no longer affected. It just means I've run out of ways to show it.
And perhaps that's the loneliest part of all this.
I can look perfectly fine while falling apart somewhere deep inside, and nobody would ever know.
I don't have some beautiful lesson to take from all these years.
I don't want to believe that every painful thing happens for a reason.
I just want peace. A life that doesn't feel like something I have to survive every day.
I want to know what it feels like to be alive without feeling so exhausted by the act of living.
And maybe the saddest part is that I've spent so long trying to escape this feeling that I've forgotten what it feels like to be truly at peace.
Nobody sees it.
Nobody knows how much it takes just to get through the day.
But beneath all the silence, I'm still here, trying to hold myself together.
And honestly, I'm tired of having to do that, too.
