There are days when I finally stop running.
The moments when the world feels
too loud,
too fast,
and too much! So I pull away.
I take a step back from
everyone and everything.
And I sit. With myself. With me.
It doesn't happen often, because the truth is,
I avoid it. A lot.
But when I finally do.. when I choose
to be there for me..
When I let myself feel my own pain,
Something breaks.
My heart shatters.
And I look at myself and think,
"How am I even alive?"
Because everything; all the pain, all the fear,
the anxieties...
It all comes rushing in.
All the things I've buried so deep..
the failures, the regrets,
the guilts, the "what ifs"...
They crawl in like they've been
waiting at the door,
and they whisper, "You deserve this."
And in that moment.. I feel sorry for me.
Like actually sorry.
Not in a way that's comforting.
But in a helpless, pitying way.
I feel bad for myself.
And it sucks to admit that.
It makes me feel weak. Small, pathetic, even.
So, I distract myself.
I do everything I can
to avoid sitting in that darkness.
Whatever it takes to not feel that ache.
You know..
Sometimes it works, but not always?!
And eventually, the distraction fails.
And that emptiness creeps back in.
That numb, hollow feeling
that hits different!
It's not loud. It's quiet. It's heavy.
Like a thick fog sitting on my chest.
And, the weird part?
I don't hate being alone.
In fact, most days
I actually enjoy my own company.
But there's this other thing,
this sudden wave of nothingness,
that comes and flips everything upside down.
And when it hits,
being alone feels like a trap.
And then I think..
"What if I just disappeared?"
What if I escaped to some quiet place,
where no one
could find me, reach me?
No expectations, no pressure,
no pretending.
Just complete peace?!
I want the pain to stop.
I want to stop feeling like,
I'm carrying the weight of a
hundred unspoken thoughts.
But here I am.
Still breathing.
Still surviving.
Even if it feels like I'm just barely
hanging on some days.
Maybe choosing to sit with myself,
even when it hurts,
is also a sign of strength.
And, I guess,
that's something I should be proud of?
