Finding Clarity in Chaos

I’m a terrible person. 

I don’t quite know where to start and how to start. 

It just feels so complicated to focus on one particular thing since there are a lot of things going on in my head right now.

But I really hope you’ll read and understand what’s going on in my head at this very moment.

I always find myself inadequate in comparison to those around me and it always seems like no matter what I do, I feel insufficient.

I don't have the qualities of a good daughter. I don't possess the attributes of a good sister. I lack the qualities that make a good friend. I lack the qualities that make a good lover.

And, most importantly, I lack the qualities of being me—the person who cares about others, who wants to help them out, and who knows how to make them smile and feel loved by seeing their face light up with joy!

I just lack everything. 

This feeling of inadequacy is causing me to feel hollow and emotionless.

As I try to react, my mind becomes numb from not knowing how to respond; as a result, I end up doing and saying things that I don't really mean.

The way I behave makes me feel like a robot. It seems as though I'm stopping to both feel and express love, emotion, and compassion. 

These days, I don't feel comfortable expressing things with anyone since I'm so used to keeping things to myself that the moment I consider sharing them with others, I feel like I'll come out as nothing more than a whiner.

I literally feel as if I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at my life crumbling around me, and all I can do is just watch it happen. I feel helpless.

I feel like there is nothing left for me—that everything has been taken away from me, and now all that remains are ashes where once stood a beautiful life full of love and happiness. 

I want to run away from this pain, but all I can do is sit here and let myself feel it. It’s all over me now—everywhere, everything feels heavy and painful.

I don't know what it means for you to exist, but for me, I think there's only one purpose: to live and breathe and love and feel every single thing in this world with all our hearts and souls.

That's what makes life worth living: not just surviving each day like a robot but actually experiencing every single thing as it comes along—whether it be good or bad; whether it be boring or exciting; whether it be meaningful or meaningless.

I don't know why I exist anymore because nobody else seems to be able to see what's right in front of them, except maybe God, who knows everything there is to know about us humans!